I'm a twenty one year old girl and every night before bed, I have to take three pills. One for a sleep disorder, one for my PCOS and one to control my hormone levels. Some nights I have to toss in an anti-anxiety medication, and there used to be an anti-depressant in the mix too.
Now, please excuse my language, but I fucking hate having to take these pills. I hate it, despise it, detest it. It pisses me off. Do you know what it's like to be a young girl constantly having to down pills because my body is out of control and trying to hurt me? Do you know what it's like to have to constantly wonder if the person you are is truly you, or the effect of some pills?
Every since I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety and prescribed these drugs for the first time, I've struggled with that question. I have no issues with medication, with it being used to help people or with those who do embrace it, but for whatever reason, my brain can't assimilate to those attitudes.
"I dont want to need a pill to be happy". I've uttered that through tears countless times. Those drugs feel like chains. I felt like they had a power over me, like without them I couldn't survive. Even when I was in the middle of a physically painful, emotionally draining anxiety attack, I'd still be reluctant to take an anti-anxiety pill.
After three years of hating my anti-depressant and questioning sanity and personality I finally just stopped. In May it will be one year since I've taken my anti-depressant, and for now that's great. But at any time my body chemistry could change and I'd be forced to take it again. I'm forever going to have to take drugs to "manage" my PCOS and there's no telling how my hormones will react if I stop taking birth control.
There is a point to my ramblings, I promise. It's fine to be angry. When you struggle with these kinds of medical conditions, or countless others, you can get pissed the hell off. You feel like your being betrayed by your body and that's enough to make anyone lose their cool. So take the control back. Explore your options. Talk to your Doctor about every single question or concern you have. They're there to help, so make them listen and make them understand your concerns and goals.
Our bodies may not know what they're doing, but we sure as hell have the power to fight it.
