Many people who meet me and know me, don't know about my history with mental illness. They don't know about the six years I spent struggling daily with depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts. They also may not know that it is because of those six years of torturous hell, that I am who I am. The girl I am now, is the girl that people say "Her? She has depression? No way." That's the way it is for a lot of people with depression. In many of our cases, the truth of our diagnosis is so shocking because of how hard we work to build a facade of happiness. But for some of us, after a lot of hard work, the truth of our conditions are shocking because of how genuinely happy we are.
I can't speak for the people around me, but I do believe that if you asked them about me, one of the first words they would use to describe me is "happy", and they would be right. But what many of them dont know, or dont understand, is why I am always so happy, excited, smiley and loving.
For the last 18 months I have been symptom free. No crippling depression, no anxiety attacks, no days where I'm too emotionally exhausted to pull myself out of bed. I may not have every single thing that I want in my life, but I'm happy, every day, and that is all I could ever ask for. Every single day I wake up and I spend my day learning, laughing, smiling and spending time with a huge group of incredible people that I'm lucky enough to call my friends.
I'm not telling you this to brag. I'm not trying to dangle my happiness in the face of your struggle. I'm telling you all of this because of how close it came to not happening. There were a handful of times when I was in college, during some of the worst times of my struggles, that I considered suicide. There were nights when I barely escaped falling into the trap of believing that the only way to end the pain, was to end my life.
From my lowest point, it was still years before I was able to begin recovering. I've been symptom free for a year and half now, but it's only been the last few months that my life has been truly blissful. I know what it is like to struggle with depression and anxiety. I know what it is like to have your heart racing, and be hyperventilating during a panic attack. I know what it is like to stare at the pills on your nightstand for hours trying not to think about how simple it would be to take them all and never have to be in pain again. But I also know happiness. I know what ti is like to not have to take anti-depressants every day. I know what it feels like to be truly happy in your heart all time.
But most importantly, I know that you are strong enough to fight back, and find your way to happiness. If I can do it, you can too. And I promise you, that each second of happiness, is worth years of fighting.
You can beat this.
