Anxiety Calling

One of the conditions I struggle with is anxiety. I have been diagnosed with both Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. In the past these caused me to have severe panic attacks, often late at night, and that is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I also sometimes have trouble in places that are very cramped, crowded and loud. I get overwhelmed and need to remove myself from the situation and take a few minutes to calm down and collect myself. These anxiety attacks are something that over the last few years I have been able to work to handle, and now they happen very infrequently. But even though these big symptoms are infrequent, and even though I’m now confident and able to handle them, there are still things that instantly fill me with fear.

Phones. I am terrified of phones. I know what you’re thinking, “Phones? Is she serious? Phones are not that scary, come on Liz get over it”. I know that phones shouldn’t be scary. The logical part of my brain is right with you, but the rest of me is not. The thought of having to pick up the phone and make a call (with the exception of my parents and close friends) terrifies me. It doesn’t matter if I’m calling a news station to coordinate media for an event, or calling the Doctor’s office to schedule an appointment. The minute I start thinking about calling, my body goes into panic mode. My heart races, it gets harder to breath, my stomach is in knots and my hands get shaky, and I have no control over it. I can take a few deep breaths, but that only does so much.

Now, something you should know about me. I am not an overly shy person. I make conversation with strangers, I speak up in class, I propose ideas in meetings, I’m even a campus tour guide. I am a confident, well -spoken person who doesn’t get intimidated, except by telephones apparently. But that is the thing about anxiety. It doesn’t play by the rules, it isn’t logical. I absolutely love spending 90 minutes talking with a group of potential students and parents, but when it comes to calling customer service to get a coupon code, it is painful. I put things off far too long to avoid it, and when I do make a call, it is guaranteed that I have a cheat sheet of all the possible information I might need on the call.

Making a phone call, something that is done millions of times a day, is a painful ordeal for me. But it is also a necessity for my personal and professional life. It’s not something I can just “get over”. It’s a heart pounding, hand shaking, fear inducing activity equivalent to the moment before a roller coaster plummets down the first hill.

Yes, I’m handling my depression. Yes, I’m handling my anxiety. Yes, I am a confident, hard worker. And yes, I am a young woman who, even in my most successful times, struggles to overcome her symptoms. Never take advantage the things you can do with ease, and always remember that we all struggle with something.

Step Off

So, the other night I was texting a new guy. We were having a casual conversation and he started making very flattering statements. You're gorgeous, You're such a hottie, and things of that nature. Now don't get me wrong, I love a compliment just as much as the next girl, but there comes a point when I'm ready to move on. So, after three of four of these compliments, I told him "you dont have to keep complimenting me".

I thought it was a pretty simple request, but the boy decided to sass me. "Fine, then I guess I wont." At this point I'm sighing at my phone, I'm not a person who thrives on drama and enjoys playing games. So I clarified, "I just mean that if you want to have a conversation, that's great, but I'm not the kind of girl who needs to be complimented a lot." Simple, polite, to the point, right? Nope. I was met with, "If you're gonna be a bitch about it, forget it."

Um, what? Let me see if I have this straight, I politely told a guy that I wanted to have an actual conversation, instead of him just continually complimenting me, and I'm a bitch? Suuuure, that makes complete and total sense. Or NOT. Is anyone else getting incredibly sick of constantly being judged by strangers? I am.

If you're a virgin then you're a prude, but if you're not a virgin, regardless of how many times you've been physical, you're a whore. If you're modest you're shy, but if you're confident then you're just full of yourself and have a big head. Successful? No, you're just braggy. Smart? Nope, showoff.

If you ask me, it's about time we stop letting everyone else define us based on their beliefs, and stop letting them twist and deform our best qualities into negative labels. The only person with the power to define your labels, is YOU. The content of your character is not based on a public poll, its based on what you do. Your actions speak much louder than others' ignorant, judgmental words.

Everyone Deserves to Have a Safe Day, Everyday.

I want to live in a world where depression, anxiety, self harm, suicide and mental and emotional health issues aren't something anyone has to feel ashamed of. I want to live in a world where we accept the flaws in ourselves and in others and embrace those who need help. I want to live in a better world.

I am going to make this a better world.

Spring Break Up

A few months ago, a three year year friendship of mine ended suddenly. In a span of two weeks we went from best friends who spent all their time together, to absolutely nothing. The basic, politically correct summary of events is that we were no longer compatible as friends.

In my opinion, breaking up with a friend is much harder than ending a romantic relationship, especially after years of friendship. Needless to say when the previously mentioned events occurred I was heart broken. I was sad, confused and also incredibly pissed off. From my perspective, I see her at fault for what happened, though I'm sure she feels the same way about me.

I think that was the worst part of it. The way it felt like I had no control over the situation as it was happening. But then I realized something. I decided towards the end of the two week soap opera we were starring in, that I was okay with this. I know the kind of people I want in my life, and the kinds of friends I want to keep company with, and I could see this girl was never going to be one                                                          of those people.

So we after she broke up with me in a blindsiding text, I wrote out all of my feelings towards her and about our friendship and I emailed it to her. (After the first week I realized this was the type of situation that was not going to play out anywhere but through technology). That was that. I mourned for a bit, tears were shed, but you know what? Since then, I've never missed this person.

I haven't regretted the friendship ending and I've never had any desire to try and repair it. And that's okay. Some people aren't meant to be in your life forever. I realized after a few weeks that this girl couldn't have been a crucial person in my life, because her absence wasn't felt. And that's okay. If someone leaves your life, regardless of the circumstances, you aren't required to miss them.

I had spent so many years of my life unhappy and miserable, that when I realized this girl wasn't making my life better, I was fine with it ending. You have that power. Be picky, say no. Don't worry about always being politically correct or polite. You deserve to have a life you love filled with people who make you happy. If that means saying no to a job you hate, quitting a group because you're only giving and getting nothing out of it, or ending a friendship to remove petty drama from your life, just DO IT!

Make your life exactly what you want it to be. Because if you don't love it, you're not going to want to live it.

Hey Stephen

To make a long intro short, one of my friends recently went through a breakup, and the boy she broke up with made some very interesting (and by interesting I mean ignorant, childish and infuriating) comments. He sent the following message that made me so angry I could have thrown something.

You're a smart human, you can read, but let me go ahead and sum those little gray bubbles up for you. This boy has not only diminished depression to something you should "push yourself past" but he also says that some people "are just too weak to do anything about it." Excuse me? No. If it weren't for the fact that I didn't have my passport on me, I'd have driven to Canada where that moron resides and given him a high five in the face with a chair.

People like to think that depression isn't a big deal and that it's nothing to waste worry on. Depression is not the same as being sad. Yes, everyone gets sad and a lot of people get sorrowful, but those feelings are completely different than the disease that is depression. Comparing being sad to having depression is like saying having a cold is like having cancer. Do not underestimate it.

People like that boy, with attitudes like that, are the main reason there is such a negative attitude towards people with mental and emotional illnesses. Growing up I didn't know what depression was, I thought it was just a synonym for sadness. Even when I began suffering from depression I didn't know what it was. It was 3 years before I was diagnosed and another 2 or 3 years after that before I was able to accept and comprehend that depression was out of my control. It's caused by a chemical imbalance and is nearly impossible to overcome, even with medication, Doctors, therapists and a reliable, caring support system.

I am a lucky and blessed girl who had every opportunity and every resource at my disposal when battling my depression, and I still nearly died more than once. So do not EVER, tell me or anyone else that people are just "too weak" to deal with depression. When you say something like that you further the incorrect stereotype that depression is nothing more than being sad. You infer that those of us who have depression are just "being dramatic" or need to "get over it".

Would you tell someone dying of cancer to 'get over it'? Would you tell a war veteran who had to have a limb amputated to 'stop being dramatic'? No, you wouldn't, because they have no control over those circumstances. Neither do we. In order to create a culture that is understanding and accepting of those who struggle with mental and emotional illness, we have to combat this kind of language.

Depression is not something that's easy to understand, and while I can't speak for anyone else, I'm more than willing to talk about my experiences and answer any questions you have about depression. Never let a lack of understanding become inconsiderate ignorance.

Just Another Day In Pilladise

I'm a twenty one year old girl and every night before bed, I have to take three pills. One for a sleep disorder, one for my PCOS and one to control my hormone levels. Some nights I have to toss in an anti-anxiety medication, and there used to be an anti-depressant in the mix too.

Now, please excuse my language, but I fucking hate having to take these pills. I hate it, despise it, detest it. It pisses me off. Do you know what it's like to be a young girl constantly having to down pills because my body is out of control and trying to hurt me? Do you know what it's like to have to constantly wonder if the person you are is truly you, or the effect of some pills?

Every since I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety and prescribed these drugs for the first time, I've struggled with that question. I have no issues with medication, with it being used to help people or with those who do embrace it, but for whatever reason, my brain can't assimilate to those attitudes.

"I dont want to need a pill to be happy". I've uttered that through tears countless times. Those drugs feel like chains. I felt like they had a power over me, like without them I couldn't survive. Even when I was in the middle of a physically painful, emotionally draining anxiety attack, I'd still be reluctant to take an anti-anxiety pill.

After three years of hating my anti-depressant and questioning sanity and personality I finally just stopped. In May it will be one year since I've taken my anti-depressant, and for now that's great. But at any time my body chemistry could change and I'd be forced to take it again. I'm forever going to have to take drugs to "manage" my PCOS and there's no telling how my hormones will react if I stop taking birth control.

There is a point to my ramblings, I promise. It's fine to be angry. When you struggle with these kinds of medical conditions, or countless others, you can get pissed the hell off. You feel like your being betrayed by your body and that's enough to make anyone lose their cool. So take the control back. Explore your options. Talk to your Doctor about every single question or concern you have. They're there to help, so make them listen and make them understand your concerns and goals.

Our bodies may not know what they're doing, but we sure as hell have the power to fight it.

Forever and Almost Always

I was 15 when I first started suffering from the symptoms of depression. It wasn’t until two and a half years later that I was diagnosed and actually know what was wrong with me. I wish I could say that once I was diagnosed and put on anti-depressants everything got better, but it didn’t. It wasn’t until 2014 that I was finally able to escape the dark, never ending pit that is depression.

Early 2014 was a very dark time, one of the worst periods of depression I’d ever had. In all honesty I did not think I was going to make it, but then something changed. I attended a week long leadership conference and after it, for reasons still a mystery to me, everything changed. I’m talking a complete, 180 degree spin.

For the first time in nearly a decade I could truly say I was happy and genuinely mean it. I was smiling, laughing, adoring every second of the work I was doing. My panic attacks subsided and I no longer woke up to days where the very thought of having to get out of bed exhausted me to the point of tears. It was amazing, but in a way it made me lose sight of a very important fact.

 The other day I was sitting at my kitchen counter when, suddenly and for no reason, I was overcome with an urge to cry. I wasn’t sad, nothing bad had happened, but I still felt as if it had. I realized after a moment, that there really was nothing wrong, I wasn’t subconsciously upset about anything, but I was depressed.

In that moment I came to a long overdue realization. Just because I had been symptom free for eight months, didn’t mean I would be forever. No matter how happy and content I feel, there’s still something in my body that causes me to be sad for no reason. I will always have depression and I will always have anxiety, but I will not always be actively suffering from them.

In the past there were days when I thought I would never be happy again and times when I forgot what it was like to go through a day without struggling. My life used to be darkness with sprinkles of good days and happy memories, but now the opposite is true.

The point here for me is that I am not always going to be 100% happy 24/7, 365 days per year, but that’s okay. You know why? Because it also means I’m not going to be depressed 24/7,  365 either. The great times aren’t going to last forever and be constant, but neither will the bad.